As I was driving into work this afternoon I started thinking to myself, as I always do while in the car. Ethan popped into my head. Actually Ethan at 6 months popped into my head. The scariest day of my life was brought back to me and hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m not sure why I started thinking about the day of Ethan’s open heart surgery, but all the emotions swept over me as if it was yesterday.
I can recall every moment of that cold morning on November 28th 2007… I couldn’t pinpoint what the worst part of that day was, but one situation stands out in my mind the most. I was holding Ethan in his little surgery gown and “non-skid” soled socks. Squeezing him, promising him that it would be ok, and that his father and I loved him very much. I remember telling him that I wish I could go through this for him, that I was sorry…… for everything……
At 7:05am a tall, dark haired Asian nurse came out and introduced herself. She said she was going to be in there with Ethan during the procedure and explained the process and the time they estimated the surgery would take. To be honest with you I stared at her, watched her lips move, but heard nothing…. All I could think about was this could possibly be the last time I hold my little boy in my arms.
It was time. Justin and I took turns hugging and kissing Ethan before we watched the nurse walk through the double doors…down a long hallway….to a room that would determine our future.
During the surgery all I could think about was whether or not he would survive. There was nothing else in the world that mattered more in those 5 hrs. But today as I was thinking about that day I started thinking about the details of the procedure… what the Dr’s and nurses must have thought or said when our little 12 lbs, 6 mon. old baby boy laid on their table with no idea what was about to happen. I thought about how long it took him to fall asleep when given the sedations through the oxygen mask….I wondered if everyone held their breath the moment the Dr make the first cut down his little chest…..
I’m not trying to be morbid, or anything even close to that, I just can’t imagine seeing a sight like that. Maybe it’s different for me because it was MY child…MY little boy that was going through it. I can’t help but be completely blown away when I think about the fact that they stopped his heart. For a good 4 hours (at least) a machine was keeping my son alive….keeping his blood and oxygen flowing. I am thankful that Ethan was born when he was, and the fact that modern medicine is so advanced, enough to “manually” fix his heart. That day….MY son… is nothing short of a miracle.
“Life” can get in the way of so many things these days. Minutes run into hours, hours into day, days into weeks, and then there are times where something comes along and forces you to stop….look around….and see things. Things that you see every day, in a whole different light. That happened to me today. After thinking about that cold November day I realized that some of the things in my life are just so petty…so silly, and insignificant in comparison to other things.
I love all of my children, more than life itself. And though we’ve been faced with Trials and Tribulations with each one of them, I am so thankful for that. I believe that with each “road block” we’ve had to deal with, with each of them, has made me a better parent. I appreciate my children. Of course all parents do, but there is a whole other level of appreciation that one experiences when you’ve gone through what we have.
Ally, Ethan, Brooklyn…you 3 are my world. My reason for existing. You make me want to be a better person every day, and I will stop at nothing to make sure you all become the best people you can be. I thank God for you 3 everyday, and pray he keeps you all healthy, happy and safe.
Mommy loves you.